by currantdesignsllc | Jul 13, 2017 | Boundaries, co-dependency, Emotional Healing, Growth, Healing, Parent-wounds, Recovery, Relationships, Self-Help
If you are like most of us, you have unhealthy relational skills. You learned them when you were little. You learned by observing others and maybe got some instruction from your parents and care givers; however, most of what you learned or figured out isn’t healthy. Think about the time your friend or spouse wouldn’t give you something you wanted. You were hurt by them, you shut down and stopped talking to them. This is the adult version of, “Fine! You can’t come to my Birthday party.” It may look different and sound different, but it’s still a five year old’s response to being disappointed or hurt by a friend.
Some things we learned are ultra damaging to ourselves and others. We may have learned to make everyone around us happy. We may have learned it’s our fault when they aren’t. As an adult you are now in relationships where you believe you can’t stand up for yourself or draw healthy boundaries because those actions will be mean to the other person. This belief is not accurate nor is it conducive to healthy relationships.
Take a look at how you function in relationships. If you’re honest, chances are you will see yourself taking some young and unhealthy actions. Get involved in a relationship skills class, read books on the subject or get help from a counselor. Life is too short to stumble along using immature skills in the most important part of life, relationships!
My favorite authors on healthy relationship skills are Drs John Townsend and Henry Cloud. They have a multitude of books, videos and workshops to help you grow up 🙂
by currantdesignsllc | Jun 20, 2013 | Boundaries, Depression, Parent-wounds, Relationships, Self-Help
I grew up in a system that, whether intentional or not, praised only perfection and joyful emotions. When I was very young I was aware of this system. Somehow I knew I had to put away the parts of me that made mistakes, were hurt, angry or scared. I don’t remember consciously doing this but it became a way of life for me. I thought I was normal. I thought people who expressed anger, sadness or fear were out of balance. I thought it was normal to be disconnected. I would not have used that word, but that’s what it was. I went along merrily this way until I was about 36. Then, I had an affair. The disconnected part of me could do this. At times I would come into the feeling place and realize what I was doing was horrible on many levels. But I didn’t stay in that place and would bob back down into the disconnected place. After my “perfectly disconnected” life fell completely apart, I went to counseling. I worked with a variety of counselors and coaches over the next few years. Each one was part of healing and weaving together all the parts of me: the scared parts, the angry parts, the sad parts and the joyful parts.
I am not as tidy anymore. That seems strange. I was tidy before and I thought that was better. Now, when I am not tidy, I feel a bit uncomfortable. In the earlier stages of my healing I would feel really uncomfortable as I let out the real me. In the earlier stages I needed to get used to really feeling, even if it was super messy. It helped to experience messiness and learn to be ok with it. When we shut down parts of ourselves, when we are unwilling to be vulnerable, we are only partly present. Our relationships are only partial relationships, our connection with and enjoyment of this world is only partly connected and enjoyed.
It’s scary to connect with all of who we are because there can be some really painful stuff inside. I recommend if you haven’t felt all your parts…if you identify with being disconnected, find a good therapist or coach who can help you navigate the waters of feeling. A few recommendations are Shadow Work (shadowwork.com), EMDR (emdria.org), Henry Cloud and John Townsend books: “Hiding from Love,” “Changes that Heal” and “Boundaries” are just a few (cloudtownsend.com). I learned and processed a ton in the Cloud and Townsend Ultimate Leadership Intensive (their definition of a leader is very loose). I attended a recovery group for co-dependency. Mine was at my church (celebraterecovery.com) but you can also attend a CODA group or any recovery group similar to AA (coda.org and aa.org). I read Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More” and continue to read “The Language of Letting Go”. I’m sure many other helpful ideas are out there. This is just a short list of options. These were the tools I used in my recovery journey. Yours will be unique to you.
In my messiness, I now have fabulous connections with other messy people. They welcome all the parts of me. We are vulnerable with one another, we encourage one another to continue on our journey, and most of all, we accept one another. That was my biggest fear as a child, that all of who I am wasn’t acceptable and loved. That’s why I hid away my parts, the ones I thought weren’t acceptable and lovable. Surround yourself with people who accept and love all of who you are and are willing to journey with you as you knit back together.
A note on this acceptance piece. Parts of me need refinement. I can be harsh in my delivery sometimes. While that is a real part of me that I choose not to put in hiding, the people who love and accept me speak truth into my life (with a heavy dose of grace!). They encourage me to delve into why I am harsh at times, to work on softening my edges. That’s just one part of me that needs refinement. I can be highly critical, shaming, jealous, greedy… I want and need those parts to be accepted and loved but not condoned. This is tricky. We often assume if someone points out a part in us that needs refinement they are not accepting us. This isn’t necessarily true. Listen to the words of others; allow them to speak into your life, process through the words. Are you being given a gift of finding out “what it’s like to be on the other side of you”? That’s a John Townsend quote that I love! If the person is just being mean, don’t take that on. Put a lot of weight on who the messenger is. Is this someone you trust, someone who has your best interest in mind? If so, listen to and process what you have heard. Use the information for your good and continue on your journey of staying connected.
PS There is so much more I want to say on this subject. Especially how our disconnected selves affect the productive parts of ourselves, like our creativity and interests. I try to keep my posts short and to the point. This one is already longer than I would like so, I will write my next post on the connection between disconnect and productivity.
by currantdesignsllc | Aug 29, 2012 | Relationships, Self-Help
I was flying back from my monthly Counselor Training Program with Dr. John Townsend and Scott Makin. In typical, slightly high-maintenance-though-I-like-to-think-of-it-as-self-care fashion, I brought my own Yogi Chai Rooibos tea bag. My tea tag said “Grace brings contentment”. I contemplated that thought. During my process group earlier that day, I worked on pieces of me that I prefer to hide. Pieces like insecurity, criticism, perfectionism, and resentment. I don’t like admitting those parts exist. I prefer the place where I’m aware of my flaws and broken bits but I don’t have to look at those parts, just know they are there. There are times when that stance is appropriate. My process group is not one of those places. A Cloud and Townsend process group is where deep integrative work occurs. Every member of the group is expected to peel back the layers and observe, admit, confront, accept, and integrate the icky or hurt parts within. My group is chock full of accomplished therapists and group leaders. The caliber of these individuals is enough to bring up my insecurities and call into question the sanity of my decision to attend this training. “I’m not good enough!” This would be paralyzing except the safety of the container is iron clad. Everyone, no matter the degree, training, or accomplishments is shedding their layers and exposing all their broken and wounded parts. We share a common bond, “You know the most protected parts of me, parts I may not have been aware existed prior to this training, and you accept me…all of me.” Outside of some pretty good, though temporary, dangerous and illegal drugs, I don’t know of a state of mind that brings more completeness and strength. At first, after exposing myself to the group, I felt naked and embarrassed. Once that passed, a calming completeness settled in where shame once lived. Now I feel the contentment that comes with grace, just like my tea bag promised.
by currantdesignsllc | Jun 11, 2012 | Depression, Relationships, Self-Help
I’m a licensed counselor with a private practice in Lafayette, CO (near Boulder and Denver). I believe in the therapeutic process. I believe that change is possible. My focus as a therapist is to uncover the underlying causes of ineffective behaviors and attitudes, empower my clients to heal, and equip them with healthier ways of relating to themselves and the world around them. So much of who we are as adults is affected by what we had to do as children to get the love and acceptance we needed to survive. In a healthy family unit, a child is provided with unconditional love and acceptance. The environment is warm, truthful and encouraging. The problem is that most of us didn’t get that. Maybe bits and pieces, but our parents or caregivers were imperfect and couldn’t possibly give us everything we needed just as we needed it. So we learned to hide parts of ourselves that we thought (most likely at the subconscious level) were unacceptable. Maybe we heard the negative verdict about those parts directly or maybe we interpreted the information that way with our young minds. It doesn’t take a major event or abuse to cause a child to put a part of herself into hiding.
Many of us are walking around with unhealthy beliefs about ourselves and others. Those unhealthy beliefs get in the way of living in freedom. Do you ever feel stuck? You just keep doing the same things in relationships and can’t figure out how to change? That’s where therapy comes in. Once we figure out the wound that you are dealing with, we work to create healing opportunities. Believe it or not often all we really need is for someone to know everything about us and stay. That’s what I do. I stay. I hear what you really think and feel and I don’t leave. I encourage you to find safe people who can do the same: know everything about you and stay.
We work on changing some of the false beliefs you have about yourself with the truth. We are all created with purpose. Not one of us is an accident. Each of us brought joy to our Creator the moment we came into existence. Before we did one thing we were loved. The doing part of our life doesn’t change the amount of love God has for us, not any less and not any more.
Skill building is another facet to changing unwanted behaviors and attitudes. We work on that, too. Sometimes we have to rewire the way we handle certain situations or triggers. It can take a lot of time and be quite frustrating, but in the end, it is worth it when you see yourself living life the way it was intended: in freedom. No baggage, no shame, no burdens pulling you down.
I share my thoughts and views about life and counseling in this blog. This blog is not intended to replace therapy. Please find a good therapist if you need one, don’t rely on my written word to bring about the changes you seek. A few places to start are PsychologyToday.com and Theravive.com. They are sites that list thousands of therapists around the US.
Some information about my training: I hold a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, a Master of Science in Counseling and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. I have received additional training in EMDR, DBT, The Hendricks Institute Foundations Seminar, Gottman Method Couples’ Therapy and Shadow Work Basic Facilitator Training. In addition, I attended the Cloud and Townsend Ultimate Leadership Intensive and One Week Intensive for Counselors. I am currently attending the Counselor Training Program, a one year training with John Townsend. ( www.cloudandtownsend.com)