by currantdesignsllc | Dec 22, 2016 | Boundaries, co-dependency, Growth, Recovery, Relationships, self care, Self-Help
In Fluidity I suggested being open to change. This week I’m continuing on this thread specifically geared toward the holidays. We have the first night of Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa on three consecutive days beginning December 24. What do you want your celebration to look like? As long as it is healthy, legal and wise you can do whatever you want. Obviously you can choose unhealthy, unwise and illegal options but I never recommend doing so because the ramifications for you will not likely be good in the long run. Choosing healthy options might not feel good in the short run but over time you will reap the benefits of making choices that fulfill my three qualifiers: healthy, legal and wise.
If you have always spent your holiday with people you don’t enjoy being around, why do you keep doing that to yourself? Is it for them but inside you are resentful? If so, this action is not wise or healthy for you or them. You are living a lie of sorts. “I’ll pretend to like these people so they feel better.” If you resonate with that statement, you are choosing a co-dependent and toxic action. None of us want people to be in relationship with us out of obligation. We want to be around people who genuinely like us. They might not like us all the time and we might not like them all the time; that’s just the reality of being messy but, at the the end of the day, we count them as those we want to be with.
What about the way you celebrate? Maybe you want to do something different this year. Maybe you sit alone lamenting how lonely your life is. Walk into a homeless shelter and hang out with others. You might even decide you want to start spending more time there to help out. Usually when we see that we have something to offer others we feel better about ourselves. This isn’t out of obligation. This is a two-way street. You help others and in return, without them even realizing it, they help you. You see it in movies all the time. And this time, the movies have it right. When we contribute our time, we benefit. Our heart grows, our purpose becomes clear and our loneliness dissipates.
You have choices regarding how and with whom you celebrate the holidays. Take your life back and exercise your choice! Remember, keep the choices healthy, legal and wise 🙂
Happy Hanukkah! Merry Christmas! Enjoy Kwanzaa!
by currantdesignsllc | Dec 24, 2014 | Acceptance, Growth, Healing, Recovery, Relationships
One of my favorite holiday movies is the Family Stone. It’s about a family getting together for the holidays. They are messy. Dysfunction exists. What I like about this movie is they accept one another. Not always at first and it’s not always healthy but in the end they are for each other. It paints a picture of what I want for my family, acceptance. Another element of this movie is being who we really are, not trying to be someone we think people want us to be. Consider adding both of these components to your relationships: acceptance and authenticity.
I hope that you have had an enjoyable Hanukkah, have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!
Previous posts in this series: Dreading the Holidays?, Dreading the Holidays: Understanding and Compassion, Dreading the Holidays: Dysfunction with a Dose of Curiosity, Dreading the Holidays: The Power of Peace and Dreading the Holidays: Setting Boundaries
by currantdesignsllc | Dec 19, 2014 | Acceptance, Boundaries, Emotional Healing, Forgiveness, Growth, Healing, Processing Thoughts and Emotions, Recovery, Relationships
The previous posts for this series have, in part, led up to today’s post. Before we can set boundaries, we need to be aware of our thoughts and emotions, attempt to understand where the other person is coming from, drop our pride and seek peace. Sometimes, we have taken these steps but they do nothing to curb our frustration, hurt or anxiety about being around really dysfunctional people. This is the place for boundaries. A boundary in this context sets a clear expectation in a crazy-making situation. Let’s say you have a brother who drinks excessively. Your memories of holiday gatherings with him involve everyone enjoying themselves at the beginning but after the alcohol starts flowing, over-indulging Al starts getting loud, obnoxious and is picking fights. Maybe his hands are roaming to places they don’t belong or his language is distasteful and hurtful. What do you do?
This requires a preemptive conversation with Al. Before the holiday event have a conversation with him either in person or over the phone. If in person be sure to have at least one other person with you for safety. Let Al know that you love him and you want to see him at the annual family holiday party. Unfortunately his drinking has contributed to past behavior which has been uncomfortable for you. He is welcome to come as long as he agrees not to drink alcohol. Chances are Al isn’t going to take this well. He may throw it back at you in some way, that it’s your problem not his. That’s OK. You just stay calm and use a gentle tone while maintaining your stance, “You are welcome to come as long as you agree not to drink.”
Generally, we don’t like setting boundaries because we feel mean. In reality, the meanest action is enabling a person’s unhealthy behavior. Yet, in the spirit of trying to keep the environment copacetic, we placate Al and essentially just keep putting drinks in his hand and feeling miserable while we do it. We know the answer, it just feels so harsh. Rehearse to yourself again and again, “The meanest thing I can do to Al is be untruthful and pretend everything is ok.” In addition, “The meanest thing I can do to myself is continually put myself in harm’s way.”
When we stand up to dysfunctional behavior, two positive trajectories can begin. The first is you are developing a backbone: a healthy “no” muscle that speaks what you are OK with and what you are not. The second is you give the other person the opportunity to see how their unhealthy behavior is affecting connection and relationship with others. This realization has the potential to move a person toward healthy change. Al could see that his drinking is hurting others around him. He could recognize his drinking is a problem and if he doesn’t address it he may push his family away. The Als of this world don’t always see this, that is not your concern. Your work is to set a clear healthy boundary. What Al chooses to do with it is up to him.
Previous posts intros series: Dreading the Holidays, Dreading the Holidays: Understanding and Compassion, Dreading the Holidays: Dysfunction with a Dose of Curiosity, and Dreading the Holidays: The Power of Peace