I Have A Question About The Family Bed
Welcome to my help series!
First question is: My two children who are two and five years old, sleep with my husband and me. It’s not my husband’s first choice but he hasn’t demanded the kids sleep in their own beds. People give me a hard time and say I’m ruining my children by letting them sleep in our bed with us. Is that true?
The family-bed, co-sleeping or bed-sharing is a hot button topic. Proponents on either side of the issue are adamant about their position. Research doesn’t actually support one way or the other as best and each side twists the data to support their point of view. This is an issue that comes down to finding out what works for you as a family and as a couple. The problem I see in this situation is your comment that your husband doesn’t like it but isn’t demanding things change. Is your husband generally passive? Do you make a lot of decisions about the kids without his input or you listen at times but generally you’re the one who “gets your way”? If that is the case, that’s the bigger issue.
I work with couples who are in crisis. The most common theme is not communicating clearly with each other which often is a result of not being heard and validated over the years so why bother saying anything at all. My advice to you: Notice how often it’s your way verses his way. Is he like an employee who takes orders from you or are you collaborators in your journey as a couple and as parents? Ask him, if he’s willing to be honest, what his experience is. If it’s an authority/subordinate structure, you do not have a healthy relationship. In that case I would suggest you learn how to communicate effectively and create a healthy dynamic of working together where both partners are heard, understood and validated. You will likely need an effective couple’s therapist/counselor to create a safe place for both of you to unpack the hurt and learn the skills.
Keep your questions coming! If you want to ask anonymously, send your question to: Journey Forward 1373 Forest Park Circle #204 Lafayette, CO 80026