by currantdesignsllc | Jul 13, 2017 | Boundaries, co-dependency, Emotional Healing, Growth, Healing, Parent-wounds, Recovery, Relationships, Self-Help
If you are like most of us, you have unhealthy relational skills. You learned them when you were little. You learned by observing others and maybe got some instruction from your parents and care givers; however, most of what you learned or figured out isn’t healthy. Think about the time your friend or spouse wouldn’t give you something you wanted. You were hurt by them, you shut down and stopped talking to them. This is the adult version of, “Fine! You can’t come to my Birthday party.” It may look different and sound different, but it’s still a five year old’s response to being disappointed or hurt by a friend.
Some things we learned are ultra damaging to ourselves and others. We may have learned to make everyone around us happy. We may have learned it’s our fault when they aren’t. As an adult you are now in relationships where you believe you can’t stand up for yourself or draw healthy boundaries because those actions will be mean to the other person. This belief is not accurate nor is it conducive to healthy relationships.
Take a look at how you function in relationships. If you’re honest, chances are you will see yourself taking some young and unhealthy actions. Get involved in a relationship skills class, read books on the subject or get help from a counselor. Life is too short to stumble along using immature skills in the most important part of life, relationships!
My favorite authors on healthy relationship skills are Drs John Townsend and Henry Cloud. They have a multitude of books, videos and workshops to help you grow up 🙂
by currantdesignsllc | Mar 19, 2015 | Acceptance, Depression, Emotional Healing, Growth, Healing, Parent-wounds, Recovery, Relationships
My maternal great-grandfather, John Saxe Headley valued his children. So much so he wrote about them in an editorial for his newspaper, The Hutchinson Herald in Menno, SD back in the early 1900’s. He viewed each one of his nine children as a million dollars. He saw himself as a millionaire nine times over! His bank account didn’t reflect it, but his mind and heart did. I never knew my great-grandpa John but I have a feeling if I did I would have felt really good about myself after being with him.
Do you have people in your life who believe in you? People who see your value? When we don’t experience being valued simply because we exist it can really mess with us. Some follow unproductive paths, flailing from job to job never quite feeling enough. Some excel excessively trying to prove they are worth something but somehow never satisfying that emptiness inside. No amount of accolades or bank account balances seems to be enough. All are scattered around the continuum but few find themselves in the balanced spot in the middle.
One of the best methods I know that can help you heal in this area is a Process Group. It’s like group counseling but better. Through the careful facilitation of an effective coach/counselor/therapist, a Process Group gets deep at the heart of what’s holding you back and getting in the way of moving forward in your life. Wounds that feel like holes in your soul are filled and healed through the group members. Taking in the ingredients you didn’t get while growing up helps you live a healthier more satisfying life. You just might hear, “You’re worth a million!”
by currantdesignsllc | Mar 5, 2015 | Boundaries, Emotional Healing, Forgiveness, Growth, Healing, Parent-wounds, Recovery, Relationships
What I love about these words from Viktor Frankl is the clear communication that we have a choice. We can choose how we are going to respond or what we are going to think or how we are going to act. Now I know it sometimes doesn’t feel like we have a choice but that is an illusion. Unless you have a diagnosable brain malfunction that makes it literally impossible to choose, you can choose. Viktor Frankl survived being a prisoner at Nazi concentration camps in the 1940’s. I think he knows what he’s talking about. Think about your circumstances, how they seem so awful and you think you don’t have a choice about how you respond. Now think about being in a concentration camp where you literally have no visible choices. Dr. Frankl has communicated to us from real life experience that we always have the ability to choose how we will respond in any circumstance.
What is it that you are facing right now that you think you don’t have a choice? Is it true you don’t have a choice? Do you have to yell at your partner because you are so angry that she won’t listen to you? Do you have to believe you are not enough because that’s the message others have told you? Do you have to go on ruminating on everything you have to do because that’s what you’ve always done? The answer to all three and many more is, No! You get to choose. Right now you can choose to believe that you have value and worth. You do. Simply because you exist, you matter. You can choose a healthier way to communicate your frustration with your partner. You can stop those runaway-train-like thoughts. You really can. I know all of these for a fact because I have done each one.
It seems really hard at first to start choosing and not being a victim to the world around you. Don’t give up. Stay with it. If you find you need help, then reach out for it. You may need a counselor/therapist. Go for it! You have a choice there, too. 🙂
by currantdesignsllc | Sep 18, 2014 | Acceptance, Depression, Emotional Healing, Growth, Healing, Parent-wounds, Processing Thoughts and Emotions, Self-Help
Do you have something in your life that is getting in the way of living to the full? Something about you? I do. It’s fear of failure. I was reminded this morning by a friend and support person in my life that we were born fearless. She asked me to look at the things that have happened that took the fearlessness from me. I’ve gone through enough therapy at this point in my life to be able to rattle off the experiences that nearly stripped me bare. I’m naming them and reclaiming my right to live a life without fear of failure. It doesn’t matter in the end if I succeed at my plans. What matters is that I live in freedom and go for it. I want to lay everything I have on the field.
Remember The Pursuit of Happyness? A true story in which Will Smith’s character gave everything he had for the chance at a better life for himself and his son. He didn’t let fear or circumstances hold him back. I want that kind of inner strength. How about you? What is holding you back? What do you want in your life right now? Maybe it’s freedom from an addiction, or a more satisfying job, a healthier relationship, a relationship! What is getting in the way of going for it? What belief do you have about yourself that keeps you stuck in concrete? Is the belief true? Not do you believe it, but is it really true? For me, it’s that my value is tied to succeeding. I am not acceptable if I fail. Not true! Maybe I won’t find success, but does failing mean I shouldn’t even try? So what if I fail. In my situation, the success is not in whether or not my endeavor succeeds. The success will be found in knowing I gave it my all. That’s it. That’s my focus. On December 31, I want to be able to post a blog that I gave it my all. That is my goal.
What is yours? If it’s to finally address an addiction and your concrete is that you aren’t enough, first begin to say, you are enough. That you’re not, is a lie. Your goal could be that you take at least one step this week toward getting help. Maybe it’s sharing the truth with a trusted friend. Maybe it’s finding and attending an AA or recovery group.
Perhaps your life feels completely unmanageable. Your belief could be that you’re not worth having a life of order. Yes you are! Everyone is inherently valuable. So that belief is a lie. Start saying that to yourself daily. Like any of the negative beliefs we have about ourselves, share it with a trusted friend. Seek the help of a coach or counselor to get at the underlying beliefs and where they came from.
No matter what your concrete may be, I believe there is hope! It’s going to take work and stepping out of your comfort zone to get there, but honestly, where is your comfort zone getting you? Does your life feel manageable? Are you living it out with passion, purpose and fulfillment? No? Take a step today to begin chiseling off that concrete and get closer to living your life in freedom!
by currantdesignsllc | Sep 11, 2014 | Emotional Healing, Forgiveness, Growth, Healing, Parent-wounds, Recovery, Relationships, Self-Help
Think about the amount of money you spend each day. How much of it leads to a truly satisfying life? Do you want to exchange unhealthy patterns for healthy ones? Do you want to be more effective at what you do? Maybe you don’t know who you are or what you like. Do you want to start investing in yourself? I often hear from potential clients that coaching/counseling is expensive. I hear from clients who have moved forward in their lives that the cost to get there is worth every penny.
Think about the amount of money you invest in decorating your home or enriching your wardrobe. You like to have things look a certain way or be comfortable. Sometimes you might even get rid of everything and start over. Not an inexpensive endeavor. But what about yourself? What are you doing about the need for an over-haul within? I believe you get one chance at this life. Do you want to be on your death bed thinking about all the mistakes you made and how you wish you could have a do-over? Chances are some of those mistakes would have something to do with not taking a deep look at what’s going on inside your emotions and thoughts – your issues. Issues that could have been dealt with by going to therapy or coaching.
A new endeavor of mine, in addition to my private practice and the Smalley Marriage Intensive coaching, is the Townsend Leadership Program (TLP). I will be starting a TLP group in January 2015. Endorsed and founded by Dr. John Townsend, the TLP offers the support of a group format to learn life and business leadership skills as well as work through issues that are getting in the way of living your life to the full in work, relationships and free-time. Email me or call for more information: Karen.Thacker@TownsendLeadership.com 303-589-6274
Granted, I’m talking to people who have money. If you have very little, check out counseling centers associated with a local university, like the University of Colorado in Denver. Another option is an organization called Open Path. They have partnered with therapists across the US to take on at least one low cost client. No matter what economic bracket you are in, there is help out there if you want to invest both the time and the money.
by currantdesignsllc | Jul 25, 2014 | Acceptance, Boundaries, Depression, Divorce, Emotional Healing, Forgiveness, Growth, Healing, Parent-wounds, Processing Thoughts and Emotions, Recovery, Relationships, Self-Help
Are you trying to hide something about yourself? Is there a part of you you’re not happy with, but instead of working on it, you cover it up? My daughter is undergoing chemotherapy for a kind of cancer reserved just for organ transplant recipients. I say that like it’s some kind of reward. I don’t think of it as a reward. She doesn’t either! Her hair is falling out in patches. She kind of looks like the tortured doll in Toy Story. She doesn’t really want to rock the whole bald thing, so she now has two wigs. She likes them. She looks good in them. In her case, I think covering up her baldness make sense. But what if we are trying to cover up something because we don’t want to deal with it?
Maybe for you it’s a fear of failure. You cover it up with procrastination. If you never get to the tasks, you don’t have to finish anything so you can avoid hearing the disapproval. Maybe you fear intimacy so you disguise it with independence. You can do life on your own so you don’t ever have to let anyone in. Or perhaps you are hiding a sense of never being good enough with high-octane production. You’ll prove you’re worth something by all the projects you can spit out, meanwhile never feeling inside that all those projects are enough.
Can you identify with any of these scenarios or ones like them? The answer is not to keep hiding but to bring the hidden parts of yourself out in the open, in a safe environment where healing can take place. This might be in recovery groups, counseling or coaching. I got to the heart of things I was hiding in a life changing coaching experience with Dr. John Townsend. Now, after several years of sitting under his teaching and guidance, he has given me (and about 17 other people around the US) the chance to lead and coach my own Townsend Leadership Program in Colorado! I am excited to bring the very processes that radically changed my life and helped me peel off the masks and stop hiding to my local community.
If you’re interested in learning more about the Townsend Leadership Program that I will be leading in 2015, call me or email me: 303-589-6274 or email@example.com