I have mentioned in previous posts about my participation in John Townsend’s Counselor Training Program. I’m with talented people who inspire me to grow. We get down deep into our own issues, letting all parts of ourselves rise to the surface in a sweet dance of vulnerability. I have a history of being a people-pleasing, perfectionistic co-dependent. In December, Dr. Townsend gave us a chance to practice leading a role-play method of group counseling. I really wanted to take a shot at it, but I felt a lot of fear as I blurted out, “I’ll volunteer!” Dr. Townsend sensed my fear and asked me about it. Over the next ten minutes tears streamed down my face while I faced the group and let them know how fearful I was of their judgement and rejection. It was a pivotal moment for me. After hearing authentic affirmations from the group, I dried my tears and bumbled my way through leading Dr. Townsend on a mock role-play. After the initial fear died down, I felt exhilaration coursing through my veins. I got into it and put aside any need for approval. It didn’t matter if i did it “right”. I was totally open to the journey of learning, not the destination of perfection. In that moment I crossed the threshold into freedom. This was one of those experiences that you simply must have for yourself to fully grasp the power of that moment. Some of us get so locked into wondering what others want and trying to please them, that we miss out on actually living our own life. That is not how we must live. For me, freedom was found in opening up with a trusted group and sharing my deeply ingrained fear of rejection. Vulnerability was the path and genuine acceptance of me, flaws and all, was the antidote.
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My Threshold of freedom, was to end up in a place so broken, so low, so hurt and painful, so empty, so lonely, so hopeless, that all I could do was surrender. That was my freedom.
And I didn’t mention…….so rejected, so used, so disregarded by SOME, not just one, who I loved and cared for.
Diane,
Your story is so powerful! I love that surrender was your path to freedom…so beautiful and oh so real. If you are blogging, let me know where to find you. If you’re not…may I suggest you just might help a lot of women by sharing your experience… 🙂
Cheering you on!
Karen
Karen, I loved this one! This is me to a T!
Also, I am writing because we didn’t get to finish our conversation. I want you to know that despite the fact that I was taken back by Amy’s direct question about your marriage (and how to respond to honor your privacy and yet give Amy some sort of recommendation), that it was easy to give you a strong recommendation. I was able to tell Amy (and I’m happy to tell you) that I respect how you take ownership and address your issues. I appreciate how you are open and honest about who you are and where you have come from, as well as your current growth and struggles. I think you will do great marital coaching for the Smalley’s. You are engaging, authentic, and comfortable enough with your own brokenness that you can comfortable other’s brokenness and join them in it with grace and truth.
I am excited for you that your training is scheduled. I look forward to staying connected with you after our Townsend experience as Smalley Marriage Intensive Coaches! You will really enjoy your training with Michael and Amy, they are great people.
Finding Life in God’s Love Steve Dutton LMFT, LMHC
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Hi Karen, That was a beautiful post and it brought tears to my eyes. I’m glad you are journeying forward; I am, too. I’m sending this to my daughter. Thanks for your blog. I always read it and
love it! My best to you! Marlys
Thank you, Marlys!!!
I was totally open to the journey of learning, not the destination of perfection.—Karen, I LOVE THIS 🙂
Then you know what I am talking about! 🙂 Thank you, Bethany!!!